Written my dad had Pneumonia - he sounded like he was drowning in his lungs


Broken body
Broken down
floating in these water lungs and drown

Free free now so free
into eternity I'm free
No broken Body
No Broken down
No broken water lungs
No drown
No Drown No Drown No Drown

18 April

"Eventually all things merge into one and a River runs through it." I am 47 years old now and time is moving much too quickly - only this moment is eternal. That does not console me right now.

21 March 2009 - Spring

21 March 2009 - Spring

Most remarkable yesterday - on the subway heading out to the bus to West Roxbury there was a brief pause. In that timid moment between two breaths I thought, "So this is what the Universe sounds like." Subway rush and rattle and breaks screeeech; people and ipods and conversations . . . SO THIS IS WHAT THE UNIVERSE SOUNDS LIKE . . . . My tee shirt touching my chest and back under my sweater, under my jacket; scarf around my neck . . . breathing in, cool air touches the inside of my nose, glasses perched on the bridge of my nose . . . the seat under my butt . . . SO THIS IS WHAT THE UNIVERSE FEELS LIKE. I see the person sitting across from me . . . this is how this person looks - what this person looks like . . . Finite aspect. Same person . . . SO THIS IS WHAT THE UNIVERSE LOOKS LIKE . . . . infinite aspect. I am thinking - having a thought - finite aspect - UNIVERSE APPEARING AS THOUGHT - infinite aspect. This what I call Universe here In Zen we call 'DON'T KNOW.'

Rabbit Rabbit

March 1st today and I am in Maine. Yesterday went to see MA, she really did not know who I was this time. Odd to be standing there with my Mum not know who I am, not know her relationship to me. So now I really have lost my Mum and I miss her. Pups surgery is scheduled for Thursday, I know he is scared. I am too - though I am imagining it will go alright. I'll be down there with him on Thursday. I don't know how to get ready for these 'big changes' - just get really quiet and pay attention - not get lost in my story about what is happening. Be as attentive to each moment as I can be. Really there is nothing more I can do.

Every end has a beginning

With hope and apprehension

It is with some bits of hope and considerable apprehension that I begin 2009. Yesterday began with no heat for the 3rd day and warnings from the Govenor of another billion dollars in budget cuts. I read that and felt as thought I'd swallowed a lead sinker. We need some good news danm it - just a little. Emanuell says he doesn't read the news and camels reportedly stick their heads in the sand. (I would be interested to actually see this). All of this leads me to state of heightened anxiety. I'm afraid of losing my job - not being able to find another one. Do I dare start planning a vacation? Deep sigh . . . The hope is marginal. Throughout the day M. was more depressed than she has ever been (she always says that) yessterday she was 'double depressed.' Where is God in any of this? Why do I associate God with sense of comfort or well being - Joseph Campbell pointed out "God is Horrendous" yes indeed.